I'll love you til I die

I just got home.. It's 15 til 6 am.. you are sleeping in the next room.. I think I can even hear you breathing.. You must have had a busy day.. you aren't stirring at all.. I wonder if you know I'm here.. If somehow by my presence that your sleep is sound.. your dreams.. all sweet... Every day before I lie down I kiss your cheek.. do you feel it? I run my fingers thru your soft blonde hair... and squeeze you tight.. did you notice? Every night I call you.. even if you are to busy to talk... Every minute I'm thinking of you.. wondering how you are.. what you are doing.. if you are ok.. if you are not.. Do you know? I have had my heart broken by you so many times.. many tears have fallen over the years and I suspect they will continue... On the days I can't see you but a few minute's.. I ache for your laughter.. for your fingerprints on my newly washed and pressed skirt... an icecream after a long day at the park.. a sleeping bag in the floor and a night of nintendo games...popcorn.. movies.. Just holding you while you sleep... I miss you...

Monday Moans

Hehe.. Technically it's Monday.. Alright I've been fooling with this danged thing at least an hour.. now I remember why I got fed up and deleted the old site.. LOL.. whew.. Anywho.. I was sitting here thinking about differences in people.. When you go to find a person to spend your time with.. how totally confused you can get.. I guess I'm a little insecure.. ok a lot.. I guess.. maybe.. shuddup.. Sometimes it kills me not to know exactly what the other person is thinking.. I've allways been that way.. I Have to know everything.. not just other peoples thoughts.. (rofl.. I'm so nosey) but everything.. I'm such an information junkie... Maybe I'm so old I don't understand how these youngin's work LOL.. I guess that's what I get.. It's just the thoughtful things.. I guess.. like saying Hello.. goodbye.. lol.. um.. "I just called to see how you were.. Having a good day?" And don't get me wrong.. I love being naughty sometimes.. but isn't there a time for tenderness as well? Gawd.. I'm so out of times I guess.. That's what happens when you are stuck in a room for 5 years.. I figured the world would wait on me.. yeah right.. and lord.. what a difference in ages.. someone that is 40+ *shiver* can be so much more immature than someone half thier age... yet .. I dunno.. *sigh* Maybe I'm looking at things to closely.. scruntizing words that really don't mean anything.. Maybe I'm just stupid for thinking that the one is actually out there.. I'm picky yeah.. I'm a perfectionist to a degree.. I'm spoiled.. I'm pampered.. I like that.. I'm sorry.. I think my perfect person would be a mix between people I know now.. Soft, Caring,tender, holding me on a pedestal, sitting me on a pillow (LMAO.. I still laugh at that.. hehe.. Jay you are so crazy) realizing that I need to be shown that loving side.. and then there's the hard core boy part.. muscle cars, rock n roll, masculinity,testosterone,taking control while the soft side makes sure it's ok..lol,dirty feet, drivin' fast,getting sweaty, then there's the smart part.. the person you can have conversations with for hours and never get bored, they know a whole lot... but about nothing.. lol like me.. I love being called baby.. I guess that stems from my Daddy.. He used to call me that all the time.. I love driving down the road and be thinking of someone and they call just to say hello.. How are you? I love it when someone says.. "Have you eaten today?" or "You look nice tonight.. Man your eyes are so pretty" I love being naughty and hard core one day.. and the next day they bring tears to my eyes by being so soft... I love it when someone cooks for me.. runs me a bubble bath..I used to say I wanted to be loved like a country song.. with total completeness.. But.. I've had that and it's not all that great having someone thinking about you 24 7 and nothing else.. if you can't give that kind of total commitment.. then.. it gets a little annoying after a while.. Everyone needs other interests.. and not just made up ones.. ones that really grab you by the soul.. or just ones you have fun doing. I guess it's hard to love someone like me.. Maybe that's why I've never really expeirenced a healthy sorta love kinda thing.. You know you see these people who've been married 15+ years.. (that's a long time to people like me.. sad huh?) and you wonder.. Do they stay together because they truley love each other.. or has it been so long that the change of divorce would be wierd.. Are they actually soulmates.. and can't stand to be without each other.. or do they just not want to see the other with someone else... or.. is it just easier staying together.. I dunno.. Marriage isn't really what everyone cuts it out to be.. at least not to me.. it's hard work.. Yeah it's awesome to have someone want to commit to you like that.. vow to allways be there.. they don't tho.. that's like me taking a vow of silence.. yeah right.. and the first time I see someone at work wearing thier thong a little to high.. I'm gonna talk about it.. get real... How can someone love someone else for a lifetime? I dunno I've never met anyone that could stand me for longer than oh say 7 years LOL... and even then I couldn't stand them... John.. my high school sweetheart/best friend was pretty cool.. I could stand him.. the only thing was we didn't want the same things.. He was messy.. lazy.. and I wanted to see what it was like to be a 19 y/o girl living in Pigeon Forge.. no curfew.. no parents.. a young adult...lol.. We were good best friends..He knew how to handle me.. of course our relationship wasn't perfect either... but he was thoughtful...We had fun together I hope he's happy now.. Last I had heard he had gotten married and had a little girl..ahh babies...they can complicate things too.. but they are so darned cute.. I love babies...I had someone tell me today that they would give me a head massage (don't ask) everyday.. if they had time.. You know that's what I want.. (for now anyway) someone who would do those things.. if life wasn't allways in the way.. someone who thinks of the things they would love to do for me.. even if they don't get to do them..(Of course I'd have to know these thoughts..lol I told you I'm nosey).. shit.. now I've got myself cryin' lol.. I'm so retarded... How the power of thought could be so.... Powerful.. Loveyabye

My Super Hero

Sunday Blues

I haven't been a very good daughter I don't think.. My Dad loves having all us kids (My sister n I.. and the babies) out on the weekends... "Sunday at 6!" my Dad will call and say.. and at 4p.m. on Sunday afternoon he'll be callin' making sure we are still coming.. the last coupla sunday's I've sucked up my laziness and went out there.. I had a very good time... Harley went fishin' rode on the "Green Bull" My dad drank beer and laughed... My sister had gas.. My stepmother complained.. and I guess I just sat back and thought about how it was when we were kids... I miss those days.. Tiffany was allways so skinny and dirty LOL.. a tomboy she was.. My brother Bo.. the duke of hazard... lol.. Me.. with my oddness.. Back then love came to us so easily.. we were so forgiving.. hard headed.. and innocent. Nowadays we have "lives" that control us.. and we seem to forget the important things. Like Sunday's at 6, I miss my family.. I miss the chaos, the fighting, the nitpicking, the love. My Granny, the queen of the bunch, My mom the "princess"... My sister the maiden, My brother the knight.. Me the jester... My Dad.. the king.. of all the land.. lol.. Even when the worst things that will hopefully ever happen to me happened then.. I can't help but want to go back.. to that time when I didn't have demands on my time and my only worry was that I might miss The Electric Company because my brother wanted to watch the A-Team... Silly.. that the best years of my childhood were of when I was with my grandma.. the safe years.. my nurtured years.. and when I think of happy times.. it's when I was living through pure hell and we were all together... Maybe not so silly.. I would live through anything just to be with my family. I wonder if they know that... even tho Mom will call my sister and put me down for buying a yellow car.. and my grandma is still saying I'll be just like my mother.. my sister can sometimes be self-absorbed and my brother.. well that's another story... My dad making promises he doesn't keep.. I'd still be there for any of them.. even tho I'm lazy.. All they need to do is call and say "Sunday at 6!" and I'll be there with bells on. Loveyabye