A need to belong

I want to make up my own religion. LOL..

Just hold tight with me for a second. I love how Catholic Mass is held. The kneeling, the communion. I love the rosaries, and I want to learn all the prayers. Having a strict outline to go by makes me feel safe. When I pray I sometimes don't really know what to say.. and like when I'm talking to others I tend to run off the subject I originally started on. My prayers go something like this...

"Thank you God for my family.. I love them very much.. would you please help them with thier struggles.. My uncle Ralph drinks to much when he is fishing. I worry about his saftey. Like that one time he was fishing and he fell in the water and almost drown, until larry the next door neighbor came over and pulled him out of the pond.. Larry wouldn't have seen him in the pond if he weren't coveting his neighbors wife.. so Larry got Ralph out of the pond but his shoes were all muddy and he tracked mud through the house.. and my aunt lucy yelled at him for 2 hours because she had just shampooed the rug.. and I thought thier marriage was over right then but Ralph passed out on the couch and Lucy couldn't do nothing with him. She cussed all afternoon. Oh and uh... forgive Lucy for saying those bad things.. Amen. Oh yeah.. and I guess Larry too.. Amen again."

So the Catholic's way of having certain prayers for certain things.. just seems to fit my nonabletopraywithoutgettinglost brain. I also like the Native American rituals.. where they use nature... I can imagine myself on a red clay cliff somewhere overlooking a river and sunrise.. and feel the peace that might give. My hair braided with leather and beads... wearing those moccosin boots and a animal hide skirt.. Jumping on my horse and riding off to scalp some poor cowboy.. (oh sorry got off track again...) Working in my flower garden (bed) this week I have loved the feel of the cool dirt between my hands.. I've missed being a gardener.. touching the new sprouts of a new life... they are so tender.. yet strong enough to push through the soil. That feeling.. when they are still new.. before thier stems get hard from the hot sun and heavy stormy rain....

I also love the thought of being out at night... some sort of ceremony under the moonlight... no candles.. no flashlights.. maybe a fire.. but everyone in bare feet. feeling the dew settle around you before the sun comes up... the sound of the crickets.. and bull frogs...


*sigh*

You put the D in my Day

I can't help but think of you... daydreaming while I'm sitting at applebee's waiting on my spinach and artichoke dip... Us sitting at a bonfire.. watching the flames flicker... running into the woods.. stealing a kiss while leaning up against a tree. Jumping into water.. kissing you again while drops of water run down our faces... Being crazy.. taking chances..

I'm sure you know you mean a lot to me. I don't think you know quite how much.

Being away from you is hard. Just being in the area you are in makes me feel good. I'm concerned about how I look cause I want to be perfect for you. I push myself to the limit sometimes.. just to hear you say you are proud of me.. or to see approval in your eyes...

I'm crazy about you...

Do you see it? Do you feel it? When your dominating my thoughts... do you know? I want to press my face in your chest.. and just breathe you...

I want to feel your arms around my waist...

I want to hold your hand....

I want to run my fingers through your hair and wake you before the morning comes...

I want to stop being so tough.. and just allow myself to be soft again...

If only you were real...

If only you were real....