I found your memory today

I was cleaning out some junk.. and found your book. Baby I'm so sorry for not wanting you... I never knew your name.. or even saw your face.. I didn't love you until it was to late.. I'm sorry... sorry doesn't quite cover what I did to you.. All you wanted was to live.. and to breathe.. sometimes I can feel your little body in my arms.. How you would have had a wonder for life.. you would just now be walking and talking.. just over a year old.. little shoes.. little clothes.. I don't even know if you were a boy or a girl.. you...... were just like me.. unwanted.. I'm so sorry.. How could I? I didn't deserve to even have you as long as I did.. you should have left me... I was supposed to protect you wasn't I? I don't know if you forgive me.. but I will never forgive myself.. I cry over you a lot.. when I'm in my car.. all alone.. and when I'm dreaming sometimes I think I see you... I'm a horrible person for what I've done to you.. you would have loved me regardless of anything I did or said.. unconditionally... unlike the other people in my life.. you wouldn't have judged me.. you would have just loved.. I wish I could have loved you sooner.. it would have made my heart a little less heavy.. and little less hurt.. and your life.. and little less gone.....

Freakin' A

Do I ask for to much? A lot of times I sit and think about how people are and how they act. Most people you would think are pretty cool.. then you find out these deep dark secrets.. maybe something they don't tell every one.. something they do behind closed doors.. Yeah I guess I have some of those little things that I don't necessarily tell everyone.. I'm pretty easy to figure out tho.. I don't hide a bunch of stuff.. I'm pretty forward.. I guess for the most part... I guess a lot of people aren't like that.. naive of me to think they are I guess.. When you find out something you didn't know about someone that could be a little shocking.. how do you deal with it? I haven't a clue.. I'm stammered.. I guess I'm finally figuring out guys are all the same.. just like they used to tell me.. they pretty much have 2 brains.. and think mostly with the lower one.. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking that some guys out there don't do that... I'm a pretty girl.. I guess.. I do sweet things.. I try to think about the person I'm with and do what they would like.. oftentimes I give up things that I want just to make someone else happy... I guess when you are sexually abused (not sure if this is how it is with everyone else...) but you seem to have a different outlook on sex period... I used to get sick to my stomach everytime someone mentioned something like that... sexwise.. I couldn't even think about kissing someone without getting physically sick.. I didn't have the big "O" til around 2 years ago.. and even then it felt nasty.. like I was actually being a deviant.. like I was this horrible person because I did that... I've learned tho.. that it's not all that bad of a behavior.. lol.. I can actually look at my body now as a beautiful thing.. and not this pile of trash that's just there for others to use... My heart goes into every physical thing I do now.. and I'm not off floating somewhere waiting for it to be over.. and then you realize other people are looking for ways just to get "off".. I'm sorry.. it's even hard for me to type that... but.. I guess I'm just wierd.. I allways thought that when you were "intitmate" with someone it was because you wanted to show them ... how you felt.. and.. that was the closest you could be with someone.. if you had enough trust in that person to allow them to see the most vunerable side of you.. that maybe they would know... Maybe it's from what I've been taught.. I guess I was raised with the oldway of thinking.. and I've not really "looked" for those ways to get "off".... I've been looking for ways to be loved.. Loveyabye