MY story

I had just left an extremely abusive relationship. I was separated, divorcing and looking for companionship that was healthy when I got pregnant. It wasn’t planned and I was on BC. This baby was so loved and wanted. I had dreamed of them for years. The father happened to have a LOT of mental issues that concerned me when it came to sharing time with him. I was not aware of these issues until it was too late. I could not imagine sending my precious child into that and I would have had to. I had asked him if I could give them up for adoption and he refused. He wanted custody and that could NoT happen. This child needed protection from both of the men in my life. At the time I was barely able to feed my son and my car was stolen by my ex. I couldn’t get to work nor could I get anywhere else. The night I told my soon to be ex husband he fought me, got in his car and pulled out a pistol which he placed at my temple. “If I can’t have you no one can.” My 3 year old son stood at the kitchen door in the middle of nowhere. He wouldn’t have been found for quite a while and I knew I had to protect both of them at all costs. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him so that he wouldn’t murder me in our driveway. I was forced to get an abortion by him because the baby was biracial and he was very racist and obviously hated anything to do with the child. I could not have this baby in that position. I was emotionally tortured as a kid because of who my parents were. There was NO WAY I was letting this happen to my child. For the next 2 years I worked night shift just so we wouldn’t be around each other much and I planned my escape. I was lucky. I did get out. I know my baby probably went through pain and I have destroyed myself over making that decision but I am proof that sometimes death is better than life.

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mom

mom

Happy Father's Day

Throughout my life I have had several father figures that stick out in my mind this father's day weekend. I want to remember them... thank them.. and acknowledge thier importance in my life... this is for my Dad... the one who did not lie to me when I was 5 and did not understand why he had a different last name.. but told me "Last names don't mean anything do they? It's the love you feel for each another" ...Today I still have a different last name.. but the love is still ever present.....

Dear Dad,

You have loved me for a lifetime. You've never failed to be there when I needed you.. nor ever denied me... You've lifted me up when I was down.. and allowed me to fall.. Even today you are there for me and my child.. and have given me the most precious gift anyone could ever give to me...acknowledgement, discipline, and never ending unconditional love. Your heart has always been pure and honest.. even when I wanted to hear something else.. you've always told me the truth. No matter how harsh. You loved me when you didn't have to.. when it was not expected of you.. and have always included me as one of your children. Dad.. this father's day is all about you.. It is your day.. the day that your children will remember what a wonder part of our lives you are... I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of that.. allowing me to call you my father.. and giving me a reason to have someone to be thankful for this weekend. You are the greatest man I know. I love you....

Your daughter...

KimberlyLaine

I need a new lead on life

Just for the record.. I'm not complaining.. I'm not whining.. I'm just thinking outloud...

I'm not satisfied with things right now.. I need a change.. I feel stagnated.. taken for granted.. and looked down upon...

I don't feel I live up to the expectations others hold for me.. and most important what I hold for myself.

I've decided the only person I can depend on is myself...I've always been independent.. but just now realized.. why...

I don't feel I get the approval I need from those around me.. because I'll never live up to the perfection they think I should be. I do the best I can and somehow instead of getting comfort that I'm ok... I get critisism that I'm not good enough...

I know that the comments were not meant the way they were.. that they did not mean to make me feel incompetant... and maybe even don't matter...

but leaving me there feeling worthless... crying.. and needing support...

shows me that I must fend for myself....

I guess I'm not as important as beer and TV.

I'm sorry... You were the only person I had to talk to.. You left me alone.. not once but always... I need someone to listen...

You don't seem interested...

I just need something different...because the way things are now.. are not working...

*loveyabye*

Thoughts of mine

Ya know.. I have such a hard time believing in myself. I think I have to do these super powerful unhumanlike things in order to just be barely up to the level of everyone else...

In the last couple of days I've not really done anything superhuman.. but I was told I was super.. I was valuable... I had my feces coagulated...

It has really put me into shock.. I'm not quite sure what to think...

On one hand I'm so unbelievable proud of myself.. Someone in this world.. thinks I'm super.. valuable..

On the other hand.. I feel like a fake.. cause I haven't really done anything that spectacular..nothing that is really of value...

I want to tell people.. how valuable someone thinks I am.. because I am so super proud of myself...but yet that would be bragging...

Even tho.. my entire life.. and even still I do not believe I'm even a double bogey... right now.. I'm super.. I'm valuable..

and I can't share that with anyone...

KimberlysuperLaine

Turn it up some

I drive with my radio turned up really loud... to drown out my thoughts. Sometimes I'll be driving and forget where I am.. I'll have to wait til I pass the next exit to make sure I haven't crossed the state line. So I drive with extremely loud music to keep my thinking at a minimum. I've been doing some extensive research on a paper for Comp II and it's made my thoughts lately unbearable. My paper is called... Forced to Grow up. It's about child molesters, thier sentences, and the sentence they force upon their innocent victims. When Har turned 5 I had a hard time letting him go to school... When he turned 6 I had a hard time allowing him to spend any significant amount of time with any of his male relatives. When Har turned 7 I thought I had finally let go of the demons... Now that he's 8 I'm scared to death someone is going to do something to him. To me everyone is a potential child molester. People who smile while walking by you in the store, people you live beside, people you work with, people who are related to me.... every male character in my life is a potential child molester. My fear is so profound that the 30 minute drive to and from work is extremely difficult because I have nothing to do with my mind but to think... How do I protect him from this disgusting feeling I have everyday. How do you live... and not worry so much that your stomach stays tied in knots... I'm afraid to let him be near anyone... just a simple pat on the back from his T-ball coach sends chills down my spine. I have anxiety so bad that when I'm driving home from school on Friday nights I can't breathe.. and it feels like my skin is slowly suffocating me.....

It's like everything I see is soiled...

I feel like keeping us locked in a room where no one can get to us...

and yet.. I know I can't

that's the scarey part..

Center of attention

LIBRA


Drinking style
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.

Drinking buddies
Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones Mallory Knox